Joyful

Most days I feel pretty assured in my parenting. I love Audrey and my goal is to make her feel loved every day, and to enjoy every moment I spend with her as much as possible. I think that focus on enjoying our time and having fun together is really key to what I think of as my parenting style. I try to make our lives as healthy, beautiful and joyful as I can.

It definitely doesn't always come naturally to me, especially the part where I have to let go of my tendency to stress and micro manage, to over think everything, to worry, to get upset, to get annoyed, to want everything done my way, to assume everyone else shares my priorities.

I try to take a step back sometimes and think about what Audrey's priorities might be. Or Ian's. They're different to mine. Maybe the most important thing to Audrey right this minute is to wander over to the nearest hedge and pick little leaves off one by one and watch them slowly flutter to the floor. And maybe that's as important to her as getting to the supermarket or to work or to playgroup on time is to me. Who am I to say that my stuff is more important than her stuff? I have to make the judgement call - for some things, yeah, some gentle distraction and we're on our way because what we're heading to isn't going to wait and responsibilities are important. But how often I have to check myself when I'm hurrying her along for no reason, when I stop to think about it, other than I've decided now is when we leave or I want to get home quicker just because. Because I can't be bothered.

Screw that. Life should be more fun than can't be bothered, and I LOVE that motherhood pushes me to make more of my life and my time. To be more patient, more aware of other people. I feel good about myself when I'm respecting her priorities, when I'm giving her the freedom to explore and make choices and not just be dragged along as an accessory to my life.

In the end, is five minutes playing with leaves going to make a big difference to my self imposed schedule? I'm learning, slowly, painfully, not to sweat the small things, to realise that yes, this thing we're doing right now, this is super fun!

If she throws a toy from her buggy/highchair/wherever I can get cross and grumpy because I have to pick it up or I can laugh at how fun it is, what an awesome clattering sound it makes, what a great game she's invented. And the biggest differences that shift in attitude makes are to ME. I'm happier, I'm not angry at her, I'm not assuming that anything she does is done to annoy me. I'm playing with my daughter, something I dreamed about for so many years, and in this moment I'm the luckiest person in the world.

All this text to lead up to say that today I'm feeling insecure and overwhelmed, worried about the future and the parenting challenges up ahead. But looking back on today... holding my hand so tightly, she walked to and from the supermarket herself, wearing a tiny backpack containing one mini box of raisins (half eaten), her soft toy lamb who goes everywhere, a little yellow book about dinosaurs that are small and speedy, and her plastic keys. Because little girl knows never to leave home without her keys. Or a way to identify any passing dinosaurs. It took us a long time, and there were many distractions and diversions. Sometimes she had to be carried a little way, and sometimes she climbed whole stone stairways by herself. Sometimes she stopped to walk on walls, to point at dogs, to pick at leaves. But we just kept going, holding on to each other, one step at a time. Having so much fun along the way.