Then, it seemed like Audrey was doing her best to "test my patience" as the obnoxious saying goes. She wanted to do a jigsaw but kept undoing all the bits we'd done and throwing all the pieces around. She wanted to help me unload the dishwasher but insisted on using a big metal ladle to do it (almost breaking my favourite mug in the process!). When I got the painkillers out for my headache she grabbed for the packet and picked most of the foil off before I could get it back off her. It seemed like everything I tried to do, she was determined to make it more difficult.
Yikes! And I could feel myself getting really exasperated. My thoughts at these times are very unreasonable and go something like this - "Can't you SEE that I'm having a really hard time today? Why are you making things WORSE?"
It is a really hard thing to teach yourself to take a step back at those times and really change your perspective around, to de-centre yourself and look at things differently. But it is so worth it.
Here's another version of the story:
Audrey woke up with a headache this morning, but she doesn't quite have the communication skills to tell me that.
Mama is slow and grumpy from the start. Audrey is really craving some motor skills practice/sensory input and makes several very resourceful attempts to get that stimulation - playing with jigsaw pieces, ladling things, peeling tiny pieces of foil with her pincer grip. These are all versions of activities that Mama has deliberately set up for her in the past to work on fine motor, sensory, balance and proprioception stuff.
For some reason all of these things make Mama even more grumpy. Audrey doesn't understand why, so she can't work out what to do "right" next time. She's confused about what she's expected to do and that's upsetting. Her headache is still bad, too! And she's frustrated with herself and with me that communicating all this is so difficult.
I got her set up with an empty pill packet she could peel foil from, and we had a big talk about how and why medicine can be dangerous and so it's not a good idea to play with it. I set up two bowls on either side of the kitchen floor and filled one with dried split peas and gave her the ladle. I let her play with the jigsaw however she liked without getting hung up on "the point" of it being to put the pieces into a picture. We both had fun and were more happy.
It really is that simple, and I wish I could always remember that and be a good parent, but I don't and I'm often not. One of the things that really helps me, though, is to always remember that Audrey's behaviour (or "misbehaviour" if you want to call it that) is not about her giving me a hard time - it's about her having a hard time. If I change the language I use, even in my own head, then it drastically changes the way I approach these situations.
"Testing my patience" becomes "is struggling."
"Is having a tantrum" becomes "is very distressed and overwhelmed."
"Is acting out" becomes "is trying to communicate something hard."
"Sometimes they are just simply being bad" becomes "sometimes they are just having a bad day - like we all do."
Notice that I'm not saying to ignore these tough behaviours/situations, in fact I'm saying the opposite. Engage with them, try to understand what's at the root of them, and tackle that together rather than just enforcing outward compliance with your wishes and expectations regardless of the circumstances. Show a little empathy, and show THEM that you're empathising. Literally repeat back to them what you think the problem is, and your plan for solving it, and ask for their input.
I find this also helps to keep me accountable. If I am honestly going through that process I might find myself wanting to say "The problem is you aren't doing what I want, so I'm going to shout at you until you're so scared that you do what I say!" Ouch. That stops me in my tracks right there.
Saying things out loud has been very important and helpful to me with my parenting for this exact reason. So I'm sharing it here in case it helps anyone else.
Here's to a much more enjoyable rest-of-the-day!
