Audrey Beatrix: Excited about NO

A little while ago Audrey learned how to nod and shake her head. Although she didn't know what these things meant, it was very cute to watch her practice and practice until she could do them just right. Changing her nappy was her favourite time for nodding and head shaking, often ending with both her and us in fits of giggles.

Just recently, though, she has started to catch on to the purpose of the head shaking - to express a NO.

I know some people dread this, but I've been looking forward to it so much I can't tell you. Because my daughter is becoming a little human being with free will and agency, and the ability to express herself. It's INCREDIBLE.

And the start of a whole new stage of interaction between us.

At this point Ian and I face a lot of parenting choices. Do we turn everything into a battle of wills - her NO against our YES? Or do we respect her new found ability to agree or disagree, to consent or withhold consent? Obviously there are some areas where, for her own safety, she just cannot do what she would like to do. Walking in the road? No. It's dangerous, so for her own safety Audrey has a choice - to walk on the pavement and hold hands by a busy road, or be carried, or go in the pushchair.

But there are so many ways we can respect her agency! Does she want to eat this pear, or this rice cake? Does she want to wear this dress, or these dungarees? This toy cat, or that toy bear? Not this book? Oh well, what does Audrey want to read?

And there are other, less convenient for me but all the more valuable for that, ways to respect her no and her yes. Sometimes she doesn't want to eat anything. Sometimes she doesn't want to say goodbye when I've decided it's time to leave. Sometimes she wants to stay in the bath longer, or get out right away. Sometimes she doesn't want to sleep. In all these situations we try to help and encourage her to choose what we would consider the right things, we make a game of it or make sure we're providing the right environment, but we never force her to do something she's said no to unless it is for her own or other people's/animal's safety (no hitting, climb safely etc).

So YES we try to teach her that other people have needs and wishes too, and she should respect that, but we try to do that through modeling our respect for her and for each other. If Ian doesn't want to eat the dinner I've made for him, it might make me sad but it wouldn't make me angry, and it wouldn't make me push him to eat it or refuse to let him down from the table. It wouldn't make me force him to do something he's not comfortable doing. We show her the respect we expect from each other, and we ask for the same respect in return. THE SAME respect. Not you-have-to-do-as-I-say-because-I'm-bigger. How many times do I say NO to her, and expect her to listen, while I ignore her NO time and time again?

After all, are we raising a child, or a human being who we hope to one day be able to confidently express herself and choose who she gives her YESes and her NOs to? Is the end result we're aiming for an obedient child or an adult who is capable of weighing the rights and wrongs of a situation and doing what they feel is right, even if that might go against what peers or authority figures tell them? Someone who does what they're told or someone who thinks for themselves?