From Piano to Paint: a post by Audrey's dad, Ian

I recently received a rejection letter from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, alleging that Audrey simply doesn't have the track record to be inducted in to their museum and something about "an insult to our establishment," whatever that means. I haven't had the heart to tell her, so instead we've started on the next project: teaching her the ins and outs of fine art. Except fine art is really difficult and technical, so we're doing the next best thing. Tate Modern, here we come.

The creation of modern art always starts with laying down of plastic sheeting. We selotaped four coloured cards together to make a canvas to paint on. What does the selotape represent? The fragile bonds in human social interaction. We also set up paints of various emotions (red, orange and purple) and let her loose. We showed her this beforehand as a guide:

While it may appear she had a merry time splatting the paint with her hands and feet, I may note (especially in my application letter) that Audrey was experiencing artistic strife when composing this work. She took to the painting like someone enthusiastically punching a cake, which is to say she was very enthusiastic. What followed was a ten minute whirlwind of painting fun.

After a while she started to lose interest and wander towards things that weren't under a protective layer of plastic sheeting, which meant we had to initialize Operation Science Distraction. We placed her in a bath tub with wooden blocks and glass marbles. The blocks float, and the marbles sink. Why? Nobody really knows. Actually I've just looked it up on the internet and apparently it's something to do with density. The point is, she was distracted enough that the paint was washed away.

The final result is hanging up to dry now that everyone is clean. This is "untitled" by Audrey Plummer. Note that it is not untitled, its title is "untitled". It just wouldn't be an art without a pretentious confusing title.

I measured out Audrey's pros and cons of becoming a major force in the art world. Here we go:

PROS

 * The artist created this whilst wearing a nappy.

 * The artist probably doesn't remember creating it.

 * The artwork is, at its heart, an indecipherable mess.

CONS

 * Canvas and paints were used in its creation. What is this, the renaissance? Come on now.

The odds are very much in our favour, although my friend reckons the pros I've come up with apply to pretty much everything in the Tate Modern already. We'll see.