A (idiot's) parent's guide to having fun while out on adventures, by Audrey Bea aged 1

Mama, I hate to say it but you're a bit of an idiot. They let you have me anyway, though, probably because They knew how awesome I would be and They probably thought I could help take care of you and keep you out of trouble. And you've managed to look after me with no really major mishaps for over a year now, which is both great and more than I expected. So, you know, congratulations there.

I think you've learned a lot over the past year-and-a-bit (let's not get into fractions, Mama, you're nowhere near clever enough), even if the learning has mostly been a slow and painstaking process. So I decided to write this little guide to one of the things you've learned, so that as time goes on you don't forget it (see note earlier re: you being a bit of an idiot).

The following is a parent's guide to Having Fun While Out On Adventures, by me - Audrey. Read it well. You will be tested.

This guide contains only one single piece of advice, so try really hard to cram it into your unfortunately sized brain, Mama: When we're out on an adventure, TRY NOT TO FREAK OUT.

It seems like such simple advice, particularly to anyone who doesn't have small children to take care of, but really this is an exceptionally difficult undertaking.

Let's say you're out - you've been out all day, your socks are wet and your feet are tired, your back is aching from pushing a buggy that is carrying the equivalent weight of a lorry that wouldn't be allowed over most small bridges, you're running over two hours late and you're trying to eat a sandwich (because you can't remember the last time you had a meal, but your whole body is shaking and that's never good), hold a small child's hand, and push a buggy that manoeuvres like an especially indecisive shopping trolley all at the same time.

At that exact moment, the heavens open and it starts raining like it's day 5 of Noah's flood and God's just getting into the swing of it. You grab your child's coat, they can see this coming and, because coats are surely the most horrible things to ever have existed including Hitler, the plague, and running out of rice cakes, the child (me!) instantly starts to run away as fast as her little legs can manage in the opposite direction of wherever you were trying to go.

You make a mad dash for the child. At which point the buggy, free of the counter weight of said child sitting in it but still loaded down on the back with enough baggage that you'd have to pay an excess fee if you were flying with it, falls over - scattering rice cakes, nappies and sandwich liberally through any nearby puddles.

You grab for the buggy, at which point your child (me again!) slips on the wet grass and falls over, getting a bump to the head which you'll spend a week being paranoid about because people are going to think you either a) beat your child or b) are a careless enough parent that your child seriously injures herself on an almost daily basis. Her clothes are also soaking, she's inconsolable, and she's still REFUSING TO WEAR THE DAMN COAT.

You now have to continue walking, in the rain, this time while HOLDING the child, and trying to push the buggy somehow at the same time. It's almost impossible, and your previously slow pace has slowed to the extent that observers aren't quite sure which direction you're attempting to move in. Other parents see you in the pouring rain with a child who is screaming and soaking wet and not wearing a coat and think you might possibly be the worst parent that has ever existed ever (they're not really thinking this, by the way. They're angonising over how over-dressed their child surely is and that you and everyone else must think they're the type of overbearing hover-parent who has their child kitted out in a snow suit every time the sun goes behind a cloud. You know this because on other days you have BEEN THIS PARENT).

At times like this, it is really really hard not to totally freak out and just start crying in the middle of the park/shouting at whoever is closest/starting a fist fight with the buggy (who is sure to win, having several HUNDRED POUNDS on you, weight-wise).

If you can stop right at that moment, Mama, and laugh your ass off instead, then well done. You're the kind of parent you always wanted to be. And if you cry a bit too, well, I suppose that's understandable for someone with only half a brain. Here's my advice: take a change of clothes everywhere you go. Ditto snacks and drinks, even if you only intend to be out for ten minutes. Oh, and a small stuffed tapir. That's really important.

And then just go play. In the rain, the mud, whatever. Because we're out on an adventure and I can guarantee you that no matter what happens in the end, as long as you don't freak out - we'll have the most fun you've ever had.