Balancing

I'm a mum - but I'm also a friend, an animal shelter manager, a knitter, a writer, a sister/daughter/grandaughter, a pet owner, a wife, a human being in my own right. It's very hard to balance these things, to give each what it needs to survive, let alone flourish. The only time I get to do housework is when Audrey is asleep, but when she's asleep the last thing I want to be doing is banging about hoovering and making a noise. The only time I get to write is late at night when she's down for the night, but I'm so tired that I just fall asleep over my laptop. The only time I get to go in to the shelter is on the weekends when Ian is here to look after Audrey - and then I feel guilty for not spending more time with my family when we finally have time together. Or not doing the housework when I have time with Ian minding her.

And on those rare occasions when I have time to myself, or when Audrey is sleeping well and Ian's here and it's just the two of us, then I think: I could be writing. I've not written anything in months, and it's part of who I am. I could be knitting. I could be listening to music that's not My Little Pony. I should be cleaning. I should be working on the shelter website. I've not seen this or that friend in weeks - I'm losing touch with people I love.

Then I beat myself up for being too tired in the morning to go out for a walk with baby, because she's bored and she loves to see the leaves falling down from the trees, and there's only a few days of that left. I should have gone to bed earlier.

There's no clear answer. But for now, consciously or not, I'm prioritising motherhood. She'll only be small for such a short time, and I want to be really present for as much of it as I can.

People are the most important thing. So I try to give my friends as close to 100% of my attention as I can when they're here, and when we're invited out for an adventure we say YES and off I go, sitting side by side with my daughter on the bus. I try not to think about piles of laundry or fundraisers or vet bills, and stay in the Here. Now. Yes. We're off.