Sometimes when I'm caught up in my own issues and interests and problems it is easy to let empathy slip away - if she wants my attention then it annoys me, I start to think she's being selfish. If she cries I call it a tantrum, I feel myself getting angry. If she interrupts me I make a snappy or even sarcastic comment, as if there is any way she could understand that. If she spills something I make her feel bad about it, as if she did it on purpose. If she is loud, I pull a face. If she makes a mess, I sigh loudly and comment that "I just spent all morning cleaning, you know".
Maybe what I want is for her to sit very still and be very quiet. To do nothing and say nothing.
Maybe what I want is for her to go away.
To go away so I can be by myself and do whatever I like, instead of playing this game again or telling this story again or folding this laundry for the fifth time.
Ouch. It hurts to see it written down like that. How much more must it hurt her to feel it? I can say to her "I love you. I like being your mama. I like playing with you." But how does she know if that's true? How would I know if I was her? I have to show her, constantly, with my actions and the way I treat her. I have to show her empathy and understanding. She is only two years old.
She is only two years old. If she cries, there is a reason. Slapping the word "tantrum" on it only makes it easy for me to ignore it and pretend that there are no real feelings happening. If she shouts, maybe that's because I'm not listening when she tries to talk to me at a more reasonable volume. If she interrupts me maybe it's because if she didn't I would spend all day doing my own things instead of putting everything aside so I can play for half an hour. If she spills or makes a mess I know - I KNOW - that she doesn't mean it and feels bad enough about it without me saying "See? I TOLD you to be more careful." She is learning. Part of that involves making mistakes. That's what it's all about, that moment right there. That's where I make my choice about what kind of parent I want to be, how I want her to look back and remember her childhood with me, how she grows up viewing her own mistakes and the confidence with which she attempts new things.
I try, every day, to see things from where she's coming from. I pretend that she's my friend, I think about how I would react and what I would say if I saw my friend upset. If my friend was trying to tell me something important to them. If my friend came round to spend the day with me I wouldn't spend hours in another room doing housework. I wouldn't shout at them for spilling a cup of water.
You know what? It makes a big difference when I remember these things. It feels a lot more like we're on the same team. I show her that I understand by repeating back what has happened and how she feels about it, and I ask her what I could do to help her feel better. I ask her how she's feeling often, whether she seems happy or sad. I verbalise my own feelings, without worrying that she is too young to understand. Of course she understands - they are just feelings, and she has them too. Talking about them normalises them, makes them less scary and more manageable. It plants the seeds of empathy.
Then - and this is the magic part - I gradually notice that she is starting to do it too.
She notices when I'm sad and asks how she can help.
She tells me with her words when she's feeling upset. When I tell her how I am feeling she says "well done for using your words, mama".
When she's feeling something complicated or strong, she comes to me and asks me to "talk about it".
When other people (or animals) feel bad, she feels empathy.
When I really do need time to do my own thing, she listens and tries her best to respect that. The other night when she woke up, my back was aching. I said "Please just go to sleep, Audrey. My back hurts too much to cope with this." She lay down beside me and stroked my hair very gently. She said "don't worry, mama." We fell asleep together.
When I nurture instead of discipline, when I let her lead the way and be her own person without worrying about "moulding" her into something else, when I prioritise our relationship and being kind and respectful to her as she is right now, great things happen. And I'm a lot more able to notice them and celebrate them. We are both happier, we smile more, we trust each other. We don't assume that everything has a bad motivation. We accept that we are trying.
She is always trying her best, really. Just like we all are. I want to be kind to her, just like I try to be kind with myself. And she makes that so easy, so rewarding. "I really love you, mama."
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